Give Yourself a Hand

Both of these questions ask about the differences in stimulation during solo sex and during sex with a partner. It's true that masturbating can be a completely distinct experience, especially since we often learn to masturbate while we're young and living with our families. When surrounded by relatives, speed and silence are paramount. Lack of privacy means that self-stimulation is something to be accomplished as quickly and unobtrusively as possible. I'm thinking of that scene in Portnoy's Complaint where the protagonist is locked in the bathroom, desperately trying to get off, while his mother stands on the other side of the door demanding to know if he's constipated. In these circumstances, perhaps we learn one or two reliable techniques that we know will lead to orgasm and stick with those in order to finish before our siblings return to our shared bedroom.

Sadly, the methods that lead to orgasm during masturbation in these circumstances - coming quickly, keeping the noise level down and using the same types of stimulation over and over again - can be antithetical to good sex with a partner. So it's true that it can be more difficult or take longer to have an orgasm when being stimulated by someone else. However, this is not a reason to stop masturbating or worry that masturbation is somehow killing your sex life. Just because we learned to get off one way when we were young doesn't mean that we have to stick with that one way.

As an adult, sex with yourself can be a time to explore new types of stimulation without pressure to please a partner or have an orgasm. Spending quality time alone with your genitals or other favorite body part allows you to learn what you like in order to convey that information to a partner later. The key is to mix it up and make time to try new things rather than viewing a masturbation session as a race to the finish.

Sex with a partner will never feel the same as sex by ourselves (unless you take turns masturbating while a partner watches, which can be both hot and a way to learn how someone likes to be stroked). That's not a bad thing, though. Think of it as two different, but equally yummy, flavors of ice cream. Open yourself up to the new sensations that your partner is giving you. We are often so focused on the destination of orgasm - "Did you come?" - that we forget to enjoy the journey along the way.

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side. She has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them tolaura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.